It’s not easy finding stuff on Selective Mutism. I mean, there’s the usual: the description of it and and the treatments and such, but beyond that the information is very limited. It quickly get repetitive to read pages and sites, ‘cause they all cover the same things. But what I find even more difficult is to find information about having SM online. Most places states that SM is “the inability to speak and communicate effectively in select social settings”, and it does mention “communicate” there, but so far none have really spoken about people finding it difficult talking/writing with people online too? (I have to admit I only spent a short time trying to google this, but still. I have pretty awesome googling skills.)
I’ve seen many talk about how they have a hard time talking to people face to face, while it’s much easier to do it online, which make sense. But there must be a branch of SM who find even that difficult?
I’m rubbish at small talk (and I really mean rubbish). The years of 2010-2011 were the worst, but I’ve gotten better since. If the other person initiate it, and it’s about a subject I have some knowledge/is passionate about, it worked while it worked, if that makes sense. As soon as the subject ran out, I clamped up and couldn’t figure out what to say (though it felt a little like I had forgotten how my mouth worked..). Currently I can fake it pretty well (for a while), even though I don’t feel very comfortable with the situation.
But what I wanted to talk about (ask?) was the writing part. Before 2010-2011 (the period of my life when I was the most down) I had so many opinions and ideas, and I was very vocal about them (if you can say that since it was written online, but you know…). I wrote long texts/posts about what I though about different topics (I was part of a horse/natural horsemanship community back then, and loved writing opinions post about it) (also this is turning into ‘how many parentheses can I get into one paragraph before it gets ridiculous’). During 2011, I started to realize that I wasn’t writing as much like I once had. When I tried to force myself to do it, I found myself starting, then getting frustrated by how hard it was to voice my opinions, and delete the text half way through. And the repeat this every once in a while until I gave up completely.
I still find it hard. Sometimes it feels like I hit a brick wall and I can’t get a word out. Not even online! Not even when I tell myself I’ll never show anyone! I think I’m getting better, but it’s still so hard. And I get it, but I don’t get it? It’s one thing to not feel comfortable speaking your thoughts and feelings to a person, but how can it be so bloody difficult to even WRITE them?!
It’s easier, it is. I would prefer to communicate some things though text rather than speaking them. But some things won’t work even here?
I miss it. Sometimes I miss it so much it hurts and I feel like crying. I realise I do it now, and yeah, sometimes it works. I just wish I didn’t have to work myself up to do it. That I didn’t have that feeling of “this is not good”. That I didn’t had to control the impulse to delete it all and watch cat videos on youtube instead.
To recap: It’s hard to speak sometimes. Sometimes it’s also hard to communicate online. Mostly the voicing of opinions/thoughts, but also just chatting with new people (Jeez, isn’t it a little screwed up feeling worried even when typing on a computer with someone you can’t see and probably never will either?).
I wonder why there’s so little information about it.
I wish it could get better.
I’m also not terrible right now, so that’s something.