People tend to often wonder about “who they are”. It’s a question that has always confused me a little, because I don’t understand the meaning of it. I’ve been thinking back and forth so many times, coming up with different answers over the years. I still find it a strange question, and I think it’s because the wording of it
“Who am I?”
Well, you are you. Simple as that. ‘You’ will change, it’ll always change, but right now you are who you are and that’s that. Maybe that’s a little sad, I don’t know? But what I think the question suggest is that the asker wants to know why? Why am I who I am? Is that a better way of asking the question? What makes me… well, me?
Finding myself/knowing myself is something I’ve come to do fairly recently. There has been bits and pieces I’ve figured out over the years, but it’s only in the most recent one I’ve actually made an effort to think it through and analyse it, so to speak.
The most fundamental thing I’ve learned about myself is how my emotions work. You know how you can change the speed of which the computer mouse icon on your computer moves? And how if you put it as fast as it can go, it’s really hard to use because you move it to click and end up an inch away? That’s kinda how it feels. If I get happy it moves a little too quick so I get ‘to happy’, and if I get sad it moves to quickly in the other direction and I get ‘to sad’. As in, I feel more than what the situation requires. Not exactly a bad thing, I’m not saying that, but a little hard to handle. As a kid, I thought about my feelings as a roller coaster. They were all over the place, I got happy and sad so quickly, it shifted so fast, and I hated it. I can handle it better now.
It’s okay to feel, and to feel big and loud and intensely, seriously, I’m not saying it’s not. But it’s tiring. I can’t do it all the time. I need to handle it. And that’s what I’m learning. To feel without either having to feel too much or having to turn it off completely.
My thoughts work in pretty much the same way. Sometimes it feels like my brain works to fast, trying too much, and as a result I don’t understand anything.
I’ve spent my life trying to do more than I can. I’ve never accepted that I’m introvert, that I go mute around people sometimes, that I very easily become nervous and/or stressed in certain situations. I’ve always just tried to keep my head down and shoulder on. Be that person I wanted to be, the talkative, slightly tomboy-ish type with a loud personality. I thought that if I just tried enough, I could choose my personality. I could choose who I was.
I found that I couldn’t. Maybe some people can, but I can’t. That is, I can’t just ‘become’ that person and stay like that. Sometimes I slip into it. I can be it sometimes. I’m usually described as a rather happy person. I talk a lot and laugh a lot. But it’s with the people I trust, or where I feel comfortable. Just as often I sit with a lump in my throat the size of a fist and try really hard to a) talk and b) not start crying. But it’s more alright now, because I understand it. I can do something about it. I want to get better, I think I will get better, but I’m not all there yet.
The reason I wanted to write this right now is because I stayed home from work yesterday and today, because I’ve been feeling horrible. I’m still not entirely sure why, but I have some ideas.
✘ I’ve worked for two weeks at the new job.
Okey, new-old, but still, I only worked there for two months last year. It makes me physically tired, with all the heavy lifting and walking and repetitive movements, but I also feel mentally tired after a day of work. Some part of me wants to smack myself and say I’m lazy, but the other part is slowly accepting that this is how I work. I get tired (and therefor stressed and sad) a little easier than most people.
✘ The weekend away doing The Color Run.
It was awesome. It really was. I had so much fun and I was so happy. But it was also being away, sleeping in a new bed, being up and around a lot and running. And it was all those people. Standing in the middle of a ocean of screaming, jumping, laughing and singing people, I could FEEL my ‘batteries’ drain. You know these pictures? My battery was drained three times faster than normal during the hours at The Color Run. It would have been more alright if I had thought about it before, but I didn’t, so by Sunday I was starting to feel really drained. The three hour drive home was the last straw, and when I got home I was so tired. But I was not feeling sleepy, just like my whole body was about to shut down completely. I got emotional and I coudn’t stop crying.
Since fifth grade (age 11-12) I’ve had really bad stomach pains in the morings. It was worse in sixth-seventh grade (I usually threw up right away if I tried eating breakfast), but I still get it most mornings. By now I’ve gotten so used to it it’s mostly just this dull ache that I can ignore. But yesterday it was as bad as when I was a kid. I was freezing, I couldn’t stop shaking, my whole body hurt and my stomach were trying to turn inside out. And still part of my brain screamed “suck it up you lazy shit”. My body was telling me in every way possible that it needed to rest, but my brain still tried to shoulder on. (That’s really a discussion for another day, how we’re raised by society to always be perfect and best.)
I think I’m done for today. I’ve said what I wanted to say. I’m slowly learning myself, and it is making me feel a lot better. I know who I am, I learn that every day with every action I do. It’ll always change, but I can always get to know myself again. Figure myself out and how I work. Does that make sense? Either way, I’m feeling pretty good.
23 August 2014.
The Color Run!
We ran/jogged/walked 5K, danced to music and got covered in colours. It was awesome.
Now pizza to celebrate, and then Doctor Who later tonight!